DITCH THE FEAR
Both Finn and I seem to take an age to get over our illness. I was chatting to a friend and she told me to, “Ditch the Tick.”
It’s not so easy. Even though it is winter now, these critters still run rife. I discovered a teeny tick burrowed into my eyelid. As I wear reading glasses and my eyebrow tweezers are very rusty, I pulled out several eyelashes on the first few tries before I got the little bugger out.
I don’t have enough solar power in winter down here in the deep valley. In the height of winter, I really only get four hours of direct sun. My power requirements are few: water pump, lights and to be able to charge my cell phone. I buy a little cooler box so I can switch off the fridge. It is a minor inconvenience.
Things are getting rough on all fronts for so many. A sister, a brother, a mother and wife pass away. A fatal accident of a family friend I don’t think I can get over. People are taking their lives. It is desperate. Families can’t get to each other in their time of grief. People are losing their homes. The governments’ decision to ban alcohol and tobacco lead to a thriving black market industry, while honest businesses have no other choice but to close.
The whole world needs a hug.
I need a hug.
I’m too afraid to walk. I see snakes in my mind everywhere I go. I fear slipping and falling. I can’t phone for help. I keep my eyes on the ground, always on the ground. I don’t see the spectacular sunrises or sunsets anymore. The vet’s bills have stolen my last nest egg away, I never knew R100 could stretch so far. I can’t look at my fragile horses in case I make them drop down dead. I dread the birds of prey, I have lost so many chicks, so many chicks. Hens just disappear without a trace. My mind spins itself through webs and webs of crazies. I’m afraid to sleep. I am afraid I will wake.
Until one day, I hear my friend’s voice through the shadows in my mind, “Ditch the Tick.” Instead this time, it is: “Ditch the Fear”.
Once I have identified this crippling fear that has curled itself around my solar plexus, I can hardly describe the instant unravelling of that iron grip. “Ditch the Fear” feels like some kind of magic ‘open sesame’.
I discover I have intermittent reception on my little stoep! The phone has to be in a specific place on the coffee table and I have to bend over it to make or receive a call. No video calls please! One of my favourite calls to receive is from telemarketers. Yes, you heard me right! It’s my new favourite game. I let them do their spiel and then interject with a slightly desperate, “Hello? Hello?” then have only to pick up my phone to lose all connection. It is wicked, I know, but I have to live up to my farm’s name. Glee means joy, but there is another meaning I have discovered which could also imply a wicked kind of delight!
Then a friend calls and offers me a worker to come to Glee and spend a few days at their expense! My chicken coop has not been this clean since M left.
I get a few voice overs in. I nearly turn them down due to dogs and internet situation, but I repeat my mantra, “Ditch the fear”. Friends open their home to me so I can set up to record in their studio. Ah, the joy it is to be working, to be doing something I love and am good at, feels like purpose. I also get to coffee with my friends and have some healing and nurturing conversation.
It feels incredible to me that I live in the middle of nowhere, but the most amazing people find me. The first is my superhero. I have been fortunate to have wonderful farriers for my horses in the past, but my superhero is just beyond beyond beyond. His care, his knowledge, his kind, kind heart and time make him an extraordinary human being. Hours upon hours spent fitting Finn’s front feet with glue-on booties. Finn’s new name is Finderella! He has really struggled and now my superhero, after so much mindboggling care has my dear, heavy horse comfortable at last.
I mention to a horse nutritionist that I am struggling with Queenie’s weight. I had bought excellent supplements from her for Finn’s ex-racer joints and Queen’s advanced aged arthritis. I still can’t believe it that she actually drove all this way to help me put a food plan together for my horses. For no other reason, just care.
A more distant neighbour comes to check that I am okay all on my own. When I tell him of my desire to see my parents who are octogenarians, he has tears in his eyes.
Of course, there is the Angel Family. Rock solid, witty, beautiful people who are always there when I call.
How is it possible to be so far removed from society only to meet the best calibre of human on this planet? It is nothing short of magic.
I have never been very good at asking for help. I have had to learn fast and it is truly incredible to me that it just comes in the most outrageous forms and finds me in my hole at my pretty farm called Glee.
Ditch
the
Fear.
APPRECIATIONS
Andi and Kenny for your thoughtful gift of Zee.
Isabel and Pieter for your generosity in letting me set up at your home. You have been a lifeline. I love you very much.
Milner, thank you so much for your care, for really going to the ends of the earth to help Finn. Thank you for never judging me. You are a very special human being and words cannot begin to show how much I appreciate you.
Michaela, I will never forget your generosity and kindness. You blew me away the day you came out. You are a wonderful addition to my little life. Thank you.
Martiens, there actually is no way to thank you, for this lifetime will not be long enough. There are so many things you have done for me: fixing my front gate and the ingenious addition to make it more solid. You fixed the plug so I could pump water into my tank and when the generator battery went belly up, you were there to help…..and many times since! I am forgetting many things, but when things go wrong it is always you, Mientjie and Jo-Marie that come to my aid. Weird I have to move to the middle of nowhere to find treasures like you. You really are the Angel Family! I love you very much.
To all my horsey friends needing supplements or a feeding programme, please check out Michaela’s website. Supplements are also for doggies and humans.
Here is a fun little song for you, it was written as a parody of the war within my mind. Enjoy!
PICKING UP THE PACE
Composer and Author: Julie Hartley
Vocalist: Julie Hartley
Arrangement: Bram Potgieter
Mixed and Mastered by: Big Tone Productions
